“The antidote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest…the antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness. You’re so exhausted because you can’t be wholehearted at what you’re doing.”
This was the surprising message the poet David Whyte received from his friend and mentor Brother David Stendel-Rast years ago, in response to David’s confession about how exhausted he was from his role as an Executive Director of a non-profit.*
I’ve heard David Whyte tell this story multiple times, and it remains one of my favorites, both because of the wisdom in the story, and because of the imagery he explores from Rilke’s poem The Swan, which Brother David reads to him as part of his response.
This is the poem, translated by Robert Bly:
The Swan
This clumsy living that moves lumbering
as if in ropes through what is not done,
reminds us of the awkward way the swan walks.
And to die, which is the letting go
of the ground we stand on and cling to every day,
is like the swan, when he nervously lets himself down
into the water, which receives him gaily
and which flows joyfully under
and after him, wave after wave,
while the swan, unmoving and marvelously calm,
is pleased to be carried, each moment more fully grown,
more like a king, further and further on.
When We Find Where We Belong
If you’ve ever seen a swan trundling across land, you know how awkward and out of their element they look.
But once a swan steps into the water, they are transformed into the picture of grace and composure.
When David Whyte explores this in his speeches, he talks about how the swan doesn’t need to force itself to heal psychic wounds or embark on a self-improvement program.
It doesn’t need to get pumped or force itself to be “extra.”
It just needs to place itself in the element in which it belongs.
Once there, the swan becomes its true, fully expressed self, and in that element, exhibits a grace not possible on land.
We humans are like that swan.
What Had Been a Good Fit is No Longer
In David Whyte’s case, at the time of his conversation with Brother David, he was no longer wholehearted about his work.
His heart was in poetry, but he was still forcing himself to trundle across the lawn of non-profit executive leadership.
He still believed in the non-profit and its cause, and that work had been right for him for years.
However, now the work was no longer “right livelihood” for him.
Because of that, he was exhausted and unhappy, and work was now “This clumsy living that moves lumbering as if in ropes.”
It was time for him to step into the river, which for him was “poet as profession”.
He did and to say he’s thrived in that element is an understatement.
If Your Work Leaves You Exhausted
First off, if you feel exhausted, it might NOT mean you are no longer wholehearted in your work.
It could simply mean you are working too much, and the antidote to that is rest and recovery, something Dr. James Loehr and Tony Schwartz found to be critical in helping burnt out executives get their mojo back.
It could also be something about that workplace’s ecosystem that doesn’t allow you to thrive, rather than your profession, whether it’s the culture, the number of meetings, being tethered to a computer, or even the lack of sunlight and no ability to open a window (speaking from personal experience).
To get clarity around what specifically isn’t working for you, journal, talk with a wise friend, or work with a career coach.
You might discover that you don’t necessarily have to leave your current employer to find a profession or workplace ecosystem that works for you, it could instead just require a little bit of tweaking, or what’s called job sculpting or job crafting.
Job sculpting or crafting involves working with your supervisor to reconfigure your role so that it uses more of your strengths, skills, and preferences. This not only helps you not have to leave to “find” a better job, it also enables you to provide more value to your employer, because you’re more able to bring out your best.
My blog post Should I Leave My Job to Find One That Fits Me Better? tells the story of how one client did that and how it totally changed her work experience.
Wholeheartedness as a Way to Gain Clarity While Exploring
There is, however, another way to bring wholeheartedness to your work, even if that job is no longer a great fit for you.
Just recently, a client who I’ll call Corey, shared a wonderful epiphany he had that totally shifted his perspective about the job he wants to leave.
Corey is a teacher, and like many in that profession, finds himself exhausted and unhappy with what teaching has become.
He wants to use his wide range of skills and strengths in some other profession, but for right now, isn’t sure what that might be.
So for now, he will remain a teacher for another school year.
As we worked together during the previous school year, Corey often talked about the many aspects of his job he disliked, and how he had been on survival mode during the pandemic and that had continued.
Over the summer, with some time away from his job, Corey reflected more deeply on the feedback he had gotten from his supervisor at the end of the school year.
Corey found himself seeing his situation, and the feedback he had received, in a different light:
I started out very angry and apathetic about it, and I can remember sitting there listening to her thinking, “I don’t want to do a damn thing about this.”
I left feeling extremely defensive – but didn’t express that to her, of course, ha! As I had time to cool my heels, and actually reflect on what she said, I was finally able to admit to myself (only recently!) that I wasn’t even trying to do best practice, that I was doing what was easiest and not even exploring other options.
I had fallen into a rut of online worksheets and notes, and it was boring me, and it was boring the kids. I was making a ton of excuses about why I couldn’t do other things and not trying to problem solve.
The joy and fun had gone out of my teaching, and it was no wonder that I hated going to work every day.
Corey was no longer bringing his endless creativity, sense of humor, and positivity to his work.
He was simply enduring.
In a recent session, Corey described how he found himself thinking “Hey…I wouldn’t want my kids to have a teacher who doesn’t want to be there and is just phoning it in, so I don’t want to be that kind of teacher to MY students.”
Even though Corey had shared these insights before, they were more of an intellectual observation and not a visceral, committed “I gotta do something about it” recognition that requires action.
It was so heart warming to see Corey’s natural enthusiasm bubble up as he talked about what he would be doing this coming year to breathe more life into his work.
Besides feeling better about himself knowing he was going to bring his A Game to the children in his classroom, he also recognized the practical benefit of doing so.
Bringing more creativity and energy to work would not just make it more interesting, and therefore enjoyable. Doing this would also give him more useful information about what specifically was contributing to his dissatisfaction.
While it might be he’s simply done with teaching, it might also be driven primarily by the school district or other more granular factors, that could be addressed by going to a different school system or teaching a different subject.
So, for Corey, being wholehearted means putting his whole heart into his current situation for now, while continue to explore other options.
Thus, sometimes being wholehearted can mean making sure we sincerely bring our best to our current, less-than-optimal circumstance, both as a form of self-care and emotional self-management, and as a way to get more accurate information upon which we will base our next step.
What About You?
As you reflect on what we’ve explored, are you feeling more like the swan trundling awkwardly through your day, in an ecosystem that doesn’t allow you to thrive, or do you feel like the swan, swimming gracefully in the element it was made for?
If it’s the latter, I encourage you to know that many others have been in the same place and have found the workplace or profession that allowed them to thrive and bring their gifts to the world.
You can do what they did and take the first step.
Here are a few questions to get you started:
- “What about my workplace do I like, and why?”
- “What about my workplace do I not like, and why?”
- “What about my job do I like, and why?”
- “What about my job do I not like, and why?”
- “As I reflect on my answers to the above, how much of my unhappiness is due to the actual work and how much is due to who I work with and for, and the culture?”
- “What about other workplaces and jobs I’ve held, what have I liked and not liked about them and why?”
- “When do I feel most energized and ‘in the zone’ at work…currently and throughout my career?”
- “What themes do I see in the above?”
Speaking from both personal and professional experience, when you are doing work you love, work that was made for you, it’s a game-changer.
So now…go discover your river.
* For a short description of the interaction David Whyte had with Brother David, check out Daniel Hope’s article.
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